Closure

So I'm sitting here after a VERY long weekend....listening to music at 330 in the morning and I am still wide awake. I haven't ever done a blog and decided I would try it. I didn't realize how many of my friends have one on here....craziness. If people actually follow this they might see into my soul a little more than when I'm around them. I tend to keep things to myself, on how I'm feeling inside and what not. Sure I talk about boys like ALL the time and I am sure i annoy the crap out of Susan. lol...but hey what are friends for? But I don't ever talk about the "deep" things". I do like to write though so maybe this will help me express things better. So as some of you know I have been in a couple different relationships. One being a marriage that epically failed. Not due to me of course because I'm amazing and perfect right? (silently laughs in her head...) But in truth I did love him and care about him very much. However I also believe that I was more in love with the idea of being married then anything else. Which is sad I know but very true. So mot to drastically change the subject, but, you know how I have moved around a lot right? I lived in Utah for 9 years, then moved to California for 5, where I dated this guy for about 5 years on and off, I typically say we dated 4 years if you minus the times we broke up in between that. My family moved from California to Oregon which in the end ended our relationship. I was devastated and it was very hard. then I moved out of Oregon up to Washington to be near my best friend Viviana. I lived there about a year, met Brian (my ex-husband) and then got married. We were married on our 6 month anniversary, and divorced 8 months later. Around the same time we were getting a divorce my ex-boyfriend who I was madly in love with in the beginning and I found each other on myspace. we started talking and he told me he still loved me and wished he had married me a long time ago and all this other stuff that swept me off my feet. He at the time was dating this girl he had been with for the last 2 1/2 years. But they weren't happy and he wanted out. So of course I fell madly back in love with him. And I knew god had brought us back together for a reason. I just didn't realize at the time that it was for me to get closure. So I told him I was planning on moving back to California and he was happy about that. Then one day my dad pissed me off (big surprise there right?) and I decided I was moving sooner then I had planned. After being back in Oregon for 3 months I left again and moved to California. I met up with my ex-boyfriend, and we of course were in love again. Well mostly me. That's how things work out right? I had been praying for months on end about him and I and I was convinced that he and I were soul mates. I still believe we would have been if he had opened his heart to god and listened to him, but I'm ok with it now. So before I moved into town he and his girlfriend ended up breaking up. And that made me even more convinced that we were supposed to be together. But of course he wasn't ready to commit to anything, he just got out of a serious relationship. And of course I was naive and understanding and told him I would wait. So I did...I was going insane though waiting. I was out of work, not going to school and all I did for months straight was lay in bed and pray and think about him and wonder why he wasn't calling, or coming over to hang out...I started going back to church when I moved down there because I didn't have any family down there and I needed someone in my life even if it was only god to walk with me. I am so grateful that I did go back to church because I met the most amazing people in the world there. And in the whole process of going back to church and making wonderful friends I fell in love with my best friend Will. He was everything I wanted (almost..don't want to make his ego bigger than it already is in case he reads this ;) )in a guy. But I was torn because Will was active in the church, an amazing guy, and made me want to be a better person...but I was madly in love with my ex...who is a non member and drinks. But I loved him. I always had and never stopped. But I was giving into the love for my ex. I finally got a job and things looked like they were looking up. My ex and I were spending more time together. But then I was laid off (the economy is horrible down there) and I decided that I couldn't afford to live there anymore. So I decided to move back home. I didn't want to. I wanted to be with him. Then on Valentines day we went out and he told me he loved me still and wanted to be together now. he said he was ready for a relationship. And I told him, why you have to pull this when I'm deciding to move back home. I cant find a job and cant afford to live here. He said we could make it work long distance again and that he only wanted me. I can still see the look in his eyes...full of compassion and love. I know he meant it...at the time anyways. I remember him brushing my hair out of my face and wiping my tears as we discussed this. I asked him if he wanted me to stay. And he told me of course I do. So that night I went and hunted for a job. I found a live in nanny position that needed someone right away. And I got the job. I told him the exciting news..and he wasn't as excited. I ended up living there about one month or so. About two weeks after we became "official" again, he met me at a restaurant (TGIF's) and told me we needed to talk. I of course was stupid and in love and thought it was something good. But no...he told me it wasn't working and that he was wrong about being ready to "date" again. I of course started to cry, and asked him why he told me he loved me and wanted me to stay if he wasn't ready. I had already started a new job moved all my crap again, and told my parents I wasn't coming home. It would have been so much easier if he hadn't told me he wanted me to stay and that he still loved me. I would have moved home and been fine, thinking "at least I tried" but now I was devastated. He sat there sipping his beer playing video poker at the bar with me trying not to cry hysterically in the restaurant. I told him I wanted to talk more, but not in there cuz I didn't want to cause a scene crying all crazy. He said he would be out in a minute....after he finished his beer. I went outside and waited in my car. I waited about five minutes then texted him asking if he was coming....he texted back saying he still had $5 in the video game poker thing and didn't want to waste it. plus he had to finish his beer. This told me that me crying in the car uncontrollably meant nothing to him. He could care less...which made me cry even more. I started to hyper ventilate and couldn't breathe. I called my mom and told her I was coming home. Then I called will and Sierra and asked them to meet me. Of course they did cuz they are amazing friends. I know I scared the crap out of them that night the way I was crying and beating up my steering wheel. :) But they were there for me. And I thank heavenly father so much for them. I told my ex to never speak to me again unless it was to apologize. I moved home 2 weeks later. And here I am in Oregon yet again. I decided that I have to stay close to my family because every time I try to move away I end up back here.

So I would just like to point out that there were only 3 people in the world that knew this story. I dont ever talk about it. The pain that I felt in the car as I waited has got to be the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It literally felt like a knife was stabbing me in the heart over and over. I would not wish that much pain and heart ache on anyone. It was horrible. Next I would like to point out that the only reason I am sharing this part of my life is because about a week ago, I was waiting for Susan to have dinner and decided to write in my journal. As I sat there in the dark watching the stars listening to my music, I kept thinking about my ex again. I kept thinking about how certain things trigger memories of him...good and bad. How a song makes me think of him....a location, or a phrase that someone will say. And I kept thinking about how I DONT want to think about him ever again. I thought I was over him for the most part after a couple of months of being here. I would go a month or 2 without thinking about him. August was probably the hardest, his birthdays in August, and it was very hard to not email him and say happy birthday. He did email me for my birthday in may...but I ignored it. He had caused the worst pain Id ever felt why would I want to talk to him again? He didn't apologize either. I slowly moved on, first deleting him as a friend on myspace...but I could still go to his profile from an email I had from him...then I eventually deleted that too. So I thought I was good right? But as I sat in my car I realized i wasn't truly over him...I still couldn't talk about him with anyone. None of my close friends knew what happened (besides sierra and will). There were songs I couldn't listen to because they would make me cry. When I can listen to them and not cry and not think of him and when I can talk about what happened then I fell like I have truly moved on. And this is why I am sharing my story with you all. because as I sat there thinking about the pain he brought me and all the love he had me feel, all the flash backs going through my mind, they quickly switched over to a different someone...someone I admire and love the way he treats women. Someone who makes me laugh all the time. Someone who I enjoy spending my time with...someone who brings a smile to face at the thought of them not tears....and it was then that I realized I was moved on from him. I could listen to the songs and not cry, I could share my story and still feel confident about myself. I know I made mistakes, and I was stupid and naive, but I also believe that I had to do it. I would have always been wondering if I hadn't moved down there. Plus I don't think I would be active in the church again if I hadn't gone down there. There are so many wonderful things that came from that experience that I wouldn't take it back for anything. I know that there is a wonderful guy out there for me where ever he may be. And I know that he will love me as much as I love him. I wont be the only one to give all the love, care, and compassion. It wont be one sided. We will love each other with all our hearts and want each other to be happy. So that night I realized I was truly moved on. As I sat there writing to heavenly father, I was at first wishing that all the memories could be taking away...I didn't want to remember the pain and the love that caused the pain. I didn't want to remember his face or think of him. but then I realized I didn't want the memories gone....I want to make new memories with my new love. I realized I wont avoid the places I had memories before, I will make new and better memories with the new love of my life. Make them better and with someone who loves me back. I don't want to forget him either because he taught me how to love. He showed me how much I can love. He showed me things I know I don't want in my future love. He made me realize how much more I deserve. I grew closer to Heavenly Father in the time I was down in California too. And with that alone I am grateful and don't want to forget. But I guess this blog was my way of officially "closing" that chapter on my life and turning the page to the next one. Oh I guess the last thing is to tell everyone his name. I was in love with Allen.....but no longer....thank you Heavenly Father....



Ok well since I got that out of my system...lol I guess I should go to bed now.. it is 500 am now. good thing I don't work till 3. I promise that my blogs will not always be this sad and depressing. Hopefully they will be entertaining most of the time. But I have to throw seriousness out every once and awhile. Goodnight everyone...Until tomorrow...well later toady....love you all