Cant sleep

So here I am not able to sleep... again. I have so many things going on through my head. Merg....I have not been on here for awhile, so I will catch you all up real quick. I moved out of my moms to a house with Denita and Susan. Duane our landlord decided to move back in and we all gave notice. then he let this felon stay the night and she stole all my things out of my wallet: license, sscards, debits cards, check book, my new camera, and gift cards!! We found out 2 days later we were approved for the apartment we wanted, so we moved out that following weekend. I packed the whole house in two days and was blessed with many great people who helped us on such short notice! So now Denita, and I have moved into a apartment with Anya. Since it has been the holidays however, I have been the only one here. Anya was sick and just got out of the hospital so she will me joining me soon, and Denita comes home from Bend on Thursday. I am excited to have them home. And tomorrow (well today) BETH is in town!!! She will be having her get together at our new place. And staying the night which makes me happy! I also have quit my job at the YMCA. I worked there 1 year and a few months. It was good. I made some good friends, but felt it was my time to go. I will some of the people there very much and the kids I will cry to leave....but I am starting this year off fresh and new. Starting new and alive. This past year has been pretty much the hardest year of my life, and trust me I have been through a lot in the past. Do you ever just lay on your bed in the dark listening to your music on shuffle and random songs come on.....and for each song that comes on your whole mood changes. Your body feels different for each song...tense for a hard beat song, soft and relaxed for a slow song, exhausted from sad songs....do you know what I mean? That is how I feel right now. I sat here starting out listening to Taylor Swift feeling happy and giddy, then came on Green Day and I felt angry thinking about Paul and what hes put us through. To Britney who depending on the song makes me feel like a teenager again or giddy infatuated. To some random screamo song my brother has tricked me into putting on my Ipod. then I just get scared and jump out of my skin and change the song. lol This is what happens when I cant sleep...I start to babble on. But when I lay down to sleep I get anxious and cant sleep from all my thoughts. Can I just say that I am having a VERY hard time being patient and waiting. Patients sorry to say is NOT one of my many virtues. I lay there and wonder the whole time. Its all I can think about at night, and half the time 1st thing I think about when I wake up. I dont know what I should do...but wait, patiently...MERG
Ok well I think I am going to attempt to fall asleep again. Beth will be here in like 4 1/2 hours. See a lot of you later....to my dreams I go

Maddie Pattie

So most of you know what has happened by now. A week ago yesterday my dachshund Maddie was hit by a car. I was house sitting when it happened not to far away cooking dinner with Susan when my mom called and asked to talk to susan. I knew it had to do with Maddie since she wanted to tlak to Susan. Susan started packing things up and we were out the door. I turned the oven off (thank goodness the chicken had only been in there like 1 min) And we went to my house. My mom had been crying and when I saw maddie I instantly started to cry. susan ran to check if she was ok, but she was ogne. She died on impact. So we talked about what to do and Susan took maddie to her work till mornign when the cremation place could come and pick her up. When susan came back she had a little heart with her. It is hollow in the middle with a matching heart that was tied around Maddies foot. Its to be cremated with her so she always has a piece of my heart and I hers. Well I held on to that heart in my hand while I slept (when I did sleep) and the next day I went home (done from house sitting) and while loading my car my heart broke and I was very upset. Susan called her work to ask them to put another heart on Maddie so we would have one that wasnt broken. They werent getting it, so she called the cremation place and asked them to do it. It has been a very hard week for my entire family. Each of us has been having a very hard time. I know I have. I am very grateful to all my firends that gave thier condolences on Facebook. and texted. I didnt respond to any of them so I dont want anyone ot feel left out or hurt. I wasnt ready (and dont think I am still) to accept it and talk about it. But know I am grateful to all of you for being there if I needed you. So it amazes me so much how Heavenly Father works. I have NO IDEA why he did this to my family, we are alreayd having a difficult time and are all stressed, this is like...I cant even explain. So I didnt really sleep at all Friday night when it happened, and Saturday I couldnt/didnt want to lay down and go to sleep cuz then I would think about her more and cry. I went to bed at 10 am Sunday morning and really wanted to go to church for Maddie so I got up at 12 and went to Church. It was veyr hard. I was trying so hard not to cry. I almost had to leave cuz I couldnt stop crying. But I got it under control, I really wanted to be there, and as I sat there, I could feel Maddies spirit next to me in Sacrament. She kept waddling up and down the isle in between the pues. She would stop at the stairs, cuz she cant go up stairs. :) It was verycomfoting to feel her near and feel that she is happy and still a silly puppy. Then on Monday my mom was supposed ot go pick up her ashes. I was oging to go with her but was helping Susan with her car. But for some reason I wanted to still go. We headed over there and I was waiting for my mom, but she was running late. It was a good thing I had gone cuz she didnt make it in time before they closed. So I picked Maddie up. She came in this tin thing. We are in the process of picking out a Urn for her. She has been sleeping next to my bed. So we have been getting all the pictures we can find of her together. I am making a collage/ scrapbook picture of her. We actually have a lot which makes me feel better. I also worte down all my memories of her and Im going to put them with her page. I am asking anyone else who remembers a fun memory of her to write it down and I will put it in the memory envelope. On Tuesday we had an appointment with my moms Bishop to give us each a blessing. SO here is another amazing "quincidence". So the boy missionaries have not been to our house in like 7 months right? And one of the missionaries has been tihere the whole time. They came over to our house Tuesday. We asked them if the Bishop sent them...he hadnt. They came on thier own and didnt even know about Maddie. We were all talking and the one Missionary whod been here for a long time had a picture of her on his camera that happened to be in the car. So we got that from him. And the other missionary has only been here for a couple weeks, but he knew our old missionary and we told him about the video that missionary had made which we had a copy of. So we brought it out to watch...and at the end of the video is at our house and Maddie was in it. It amazed me that these guys showed up, had a picture of Maddie on them, and brought up a video thats way old that had maddie in it we owuldnt have even remembered. And that they showed up on the night we were getting blessings. The Bishop showed up and my mom and I got our blessings, from all four brothers/Elders. The spirit was so storng, and again I could feel maddie there with us, tellign us its ok. Another thing that amazed me is that one, this happened on a weekend where Susan was off fri-mon. she is NEVER off all those days (especially Saturday), 2: The missionaries showed up, had a pic, video, and blessings, 3: when I brought maddie home she had 2 little hearts with her from the heart pieces. But I didnt have the big one to go with it. Susancalled and what had happened was they kept the one on her that matched the 1st heart Susan gave me. Then her coworker put another heart on Maddie and the big part of the hert was in Susans desk, then the Cremation place also put a heart on Maddie and they had the big heart piece with them, they took it to susans work for her. So Maddie ended up with 3 hearts her, and we got the matching 3 big hearts. One for me, one for my mom, and one for my brother. Where typically you only get one. Heavenly father knew we each needed one. 4: I missed work on moday, and Wed, and was asked to work all day friday....that made up for missing work the other 2 days (I dont EVER work all day Fridays) There are a lot of things that have amazed me this past week. I know it had to be her time to go. As sad as it is and makes me cry whenever I think about it. At first I blamed my mom cuz Maddie wasnt on a lease out front. But then I though about it and we have lived her for about 5 years now and my mom hasnt ever put maddie ona lease outside. Madie could have been hit a million times before this but Heavenly Father has always kept her safe, this is how I knwo it truly was her time to go. I miss her so much and think about her all the time. Right now I have been keeping my piece of the heart on me at all times. I know shes in heaven right now running around chasing squirrels, and eating all she wants! I know she knows that we miss her and love her so very much, and I know she misses us to. I know that everything happens for a reason and even though I dont know the reason right now, I will someday (hopefully). And I know that I will get to see her again in heaven, and she will still be wagging her crooked tail and smiling begging for food. Until then she is snuggling up in a cloud sleeping next to Heavenly Father. I love you maddie and I miss you so terribly much.


P.S.
Sorry if my story jumps around a lot and doesnt make much sense. Its still all kind of a blur...... it happened so unexpectedly.

Surviving

So I have decided to attempt to give up soda...I know I know, I typically drink Diet Coke like its water. But as I was sitting in my class the other morning I decided to read the ingredient's on my diet Dr. Pepper and didnt like what I found...aka I couldnt read pretty much all of it. So I decided to give it up. It has been so hard....I am currently on day 2....and I'm not sure how much longer I will make it. Driving home from work I always see the sign at Mcdonalds "$1 Diet Coke" my mouth starts to water and my car magnets to the driveway but NO!! I will not give in!!! I made my car go into the far lane and closed my eyes as I drove by....(well not really cuz that would be dangerous...but I think you get the point.) :) And I continued on my way. I think the only way to surpass the temptations of the evil ways of Diet Coke is to always keep a water bottle in my hand. We shall see how long I make it......


On a different note: I am currently sick. I have a cold. Its all Susans fault. (no shes not sick too, I just like to blame things on her.) :) things at home are....pretty much the same right now. Oh except the Verizon Fios thing...that really pisses me off. School is going alright. Its going to be a much tougher term this time. I have Deutsch, Art, and Psych. I had math but the teacher was evil so I dropped it. And sad day but my crush thing didnt work out...but then when do these things ever turn out how you want them too? But you never know maybe in the far make believe future he might change his mind and realize what an amazingly wonderful catch I am and wanna be with me. But until then I must find something else to keep me occupied...Maybe a new crush...we shall see. Only Heavenly Father knows whats going on and right now He doesnt wanna tell me. So Im just taken one day at a time....Now I get to go home from movie night and NOT watch real world, greys anatomy, heros, or any other cool shows I like to watch...Im gunna have to actually go straight to bed....Stupid Fios...no let me take that back...stupid....oh nevermind..G'night everyone

Fios vs Comcast

So Im going to take a minute here to complain. So we used to have comcast at our house. It was alright. I do however like Verizon Fios better. Well at least i did until my dad decided to get it at our house. So every house I have EVER been to that has had fios it has been awesome! It has a way better on demand program and the guide is nice too. But no my dad decides to buy the cheapest thing there is possible with Fios. AKA NO ON DEMAND anymore!!!! Ahhhh I hate my life. Not only does it not have on demand anymore, but get this there isnt even a guide!! You know when you click guide and it shows you instantly whats on and where? Ya no, you have to go to the tv guide channel and watch it for 15 min to see whats on all the channel as it slowly scrolls, plus it doesnt even show ALL the channels we get. So I brought this up to my dad and he said "Im not buying the big fancy shmancy equipment so you can have on demand. I can give you a way around the guide thing though", Wanna know what his way around it was? To download the app onto my computer and i can look up the guide on my computer...OMG that is soooo stupid. Why would I want to have my computer up and running to look up whats on TV, its just using up MORE electricty costing more money which you could have just used on the fancy shmancy equipment (aka like maybe 5 bucks more a month). So stupid. I am never home either to watch Tv that much, but I do have my shows that I love to watch and I would always watch them on demand cuz Im never home to watch them when they are actually on. So my life pretty much sucks now. No not really, but it defidently is not getting any better. So there it is my ranting on Verizon for offering such a crappy service and my dad for being so frickin cheap. And so the saga continues....